Hi everybody,
I'm wondering if anybody has suggestions about this.
My girls are 24 months, and are very close. So close, in fact, that they've more or less spent their whole lives sitting on each other, and we're starting to have some conflict with toys. There's been some biting (which I thought we'd grown out of), some hitting, some grabbing.
I'm sort of at a loss about what to do to help them work through these things as a parent. With violence, I was trying a no tolerance "time out" policy, but whenever I single out one girl (as in, you're on time out now), the other gets very upset, and sometimes it feels like my intervention causes more bad behavior. There are definitely incidents where they just get frustrated and panic and attack each other, but sometimes (often) it feels like they act out the banned behavior on one another to test boundaries with me (example: baby A gently bites baby B in slow motion while they both watch me grinning). I've been trying to just say a firm "we don't bite" and separate them by a few feet, but so far it seems to be doing nothing (especially since they're magnets and are hard-wired to repeat, repeat, repeat). Has anybody else had the whole time-out concept backfire with twins? Do you intervene in their conflicts? What are you doing for discipline? Are my expectations for them even age-appropriate?
Also, what are other people's rules/philosophy about the big sharing question? They used to be so harmonious with toys! They would each drop whatever they were playing with on the ground and switch places, they had a fairly elaborate trading system for the high-value toys as soon as they could crawl, or they could just play together. So we generally just have one of every toy. Now, there is a lot of grabbing (seems to go both ways--they're equally matched), which then spins out of control. Sharing still is not a problem with other children. My pediatrician actually told me to do nothing to intervene, "let them duke it out," which seems like a bad idea (oh the violence). I want them to put their relationship with each other (and all people) before their relationship with things, but I also understand that it's almost impossible to do something like stack blocks or color or work on a puzzle with another set of hands trying to do it at the same time (with the same exact block, crayon, and puzzle piece)--there's a lot of skills that they need to be learning right now by playing by themselves. I do put toys on time out. I try to maintain a "no grabbing" rule (they respond to it with the "look, mom, we're grabbing! over and over again!" game). I encourage trading. Other than that, definitely at a loss on this one, and things seem to be getting worse.
Twins really are a different game, aren't they?
Thanks for your help,
Liz
Hi Liz,
ReplyDeleteI'm really enjoying all of these emails because it's so reassuring! We're very much in the same boat for everything you mentioned. Our boys are 2.5 years and although they are usually really good with each other, they are being much more physical in their play with each other and more aggressive in general.
One thing that has made a huge difference is using a timer. We usually use the stove timer, which they can hear from the living room where most of the toys are. They will even ask me unprompted to set the timer. So if it is one toy they both want, whoever gets it first has the first turn, and I'll set the timer to either 2-5 minutes depending and keep doing that until they don't want to play with the item anymore. I've noticed that when the timer goes off, they switch without any reminders from me AND without any crying or fighting. It's actually super, super helpful. Yes, I'd love if they could reason through why it's important to share and empathize, but my expectations are a wee bit high because my 6th graders can hardly do that. I have seen that they are pretty good sharers with other kids and have heard that at school, this is not really an issue with the rest of their class- only with each other.
We have been doing some form of time out for a very long time and it was working for a while. Lately, it is reserved for really over the top behavior and it's more about taking a break and regaining self control. We had been doing time outs for any type of aggressive behavior but often found that we didn't see who started it. We'd catch one hitting and assume it was unprovoked... until we saw the from a distance how one would kick and poke and harass the other until the pushed them over. I read somewhere that giving time outs for physical behavior is rarely affective and often isn't fairly doled out (because you don't account for what started it). So we only do them here and there. It's not regular.
The preschool teachers are really good at redirecting and distracting, and we're trying to pick up tips, but it's really hard. If they're being really rough with each other while we're making dinner, we'll bring one in to the kitchen to "help" but that also becomes unfair and you have the other one crying at the gate to come in to help. So you bring them both in and then they start up again in the kitchen, so you send one back- but who gets sent out? We have good stretches here and there and then days where literally you cannot even turn your back before they're fighting over something, or just playing games that involve shoving from behind, or grabbing shirts and throwing to the ground. So it's really wearing on Mike and I. We're still working out solutions, too.
We have found that doing separate errands with them is really helpful. They get to be the only child for a few hours, which is nice for the parents and child, and they are really excited to be reunited, and often keep it together. So if you have that luxury, I'd say try that, too. It only happens with us every few weeks based on our schedule, but it always works well when we go through with it.
I also just try to keep in mind that they have no choice but to be stuck with each other 24/7. They came into the world sharing everything- starting in the womb- some even shared a placenta! I know I would hate to have to always share and they clearly lack the ability to reason through why you only have one of most items in the house. So, as hard as it is, we try to be patient (and we often fail) and remember that being 2 is hard enough- having another irrational 2 year old to share your world with is even harder.
Hope some of that helps! Because when it's going well, I'm sure you already know, that having two definitely makes your life easier than having just one.
Becky