Hi All,
Thanks everyone for contributing. I have to chuckle at nap schedules, cuz it seems soooooo far down the track for us. Our little ones are just three weeks old and I'm still in the very early stages of figuring out what it is that they want/need at any particular time! But I was SO PSYCHED to find this discussion group AND to see that you've started a facebook group, Benita. Thanks so much. I must admit I'm a bit slow and resistant to the whole email/facebook thing, but I'm starting to warm to it now that I'm feeling pretty isolated and desperate to reach out to other parents of multiples.
I look forward to much sharing and learning from fellow parents who are experiencing similar stuff with multiples.
Here's a question for the group - how does one respond to the needs of both babies when one is screaming and the other is quietly lying there? I have one baby who is definitely more needy - she has some reflux stuff going on and is generally more fussy, so I end up attending to her more often than my little boy. And then I look over at him just lying there looking around and I feel so guilty and torn and wonder how to give him the attention he needs. Any advice? I can't seem to really achieve this balance unless I have an extra set of loving hands here, helping out...And unfortunately, that isn't always possible.
Also, can anybody recommend a book about twin care that they really enjoyed and that didn't make them feel like they were doing a bad job ( I just remember being given a book on this stuff when I had my four year old and how I cried trying to institute what the book said and then failing).
I'm trying to learn more about scheduling feedings/naps/ structuring the day, and general care.
Thanks again,
Dana
Hi Dana,
ReplyDeleteso glad you found us and congratulations on your twins.
oh, what you're describing is the hardest thing about having twins! my guys are 26 months now and I remember vividly feeling terrible about the uneven amount of time i needed to spend with them as infants and even now sometimes. My goal was to nurse them equally and use bottles equally with them, but, of course, it didn't work that way as one never took a bottle until he was about 10 months old. So, i ended up nursing one 100% of the time and the other quickly started preferring the bottle, so i didn't nurse him after the first several months. I would be up in the middle of the night pumping....it was crazy, and I felt bad that i wasn't nursing both, uh....then, when they were about 4 months, we needed to separate them at night because they were waking each other, so my husband and I split up in different rooms with our baby roommates. Of course, my roomie was the little guy who wouldn't take a bottle....and i would cry sometimes because i felt so bad that my other guy was in the other room with my husband and bottles and I wasn't holding him in the middle of the night when he woke. Even though i know my husband was obviously taking care of him, it didn't feel good at all that I wasn't able to do it all for both all of the time.
I'm afraid to say that, at least in my experience, i feel parents of twins just have more crying to deal with....sometimes you're in that no-win situation! i remember nursing one, so sweet you just want to enjoy that time, and then the other wakes and is crying, and in order to get him set up with his bottle or get set up to nurse both, i had to put the baby i was nursing down first which would result in him crying! it would just break my heart and I'd think, those moms of a singleton are so lucky to be able to spend all their time with their one baby!
well, please know you are not alone! One of the moms in the group told me that almost every mom of twins she's ever talked to has a similar issue with feeling guilty about spending more time with the "needier" baby. If it can provide any comfort, know that they will take turns in their neediness....one might be needy in one way, hopefully the other isn't....but, rest assured there'll be some other issue where you'll find yourself spending more time with the other over something else - it all evens out in the end.
i don't have any recommendations of books specifically about twins. "Happiest baby on the block" was key for me. I also loved "baby 411" - easy to find read bits of info. The most important, by far, factor for me was connecting with another mom with twins the same age (our boys were actually born the same day). We'd literally talk every day about what was happening and get/give tips to each other.
I hope you can come to our get-together this Sunday. I know two other moms with twins under 6 months old are coming.
All the best,
Lana
Hi Dana,
ReplyDeleteI am the mother of 16 month old twins and a long time preschool teacher. I can still recall the early days with my little ones and can remember feeling moments of guilt when one child would need me more than the other. What Lana has shared is very true. They will take turns being the needy one, so over time your love will be equally shared. One piece of advice I was able to offer myself when feeling guilty was something I have learned over the years as a teacher. Fairness does not always mean sameness. Your children are both needing you in different ways right now and they are showing you their needs through their behaviors. Even knowing what I knew as a teacher, I still found myself feeling guilty at times. A way I was able to help ease the guilt, was to be sure that when I was spending extra snuggle time with my fussy daughter, that I was still near to my son so I was able to chat with him while holding her. This allowed me to feel as though I was still sharing some piece of myself with him.
As for developing schedules, I was lucky enough to be able to tandem nurse my twins pretty early on. This allowed me to get them on a shared napping schedule. It did sometimes mean waking a sleeping twin when their sibling woke to nurse. This approach worked very nicely for my family, but you need to do what feels right for you.
Best of luck,
Christine